Lady Mel has stroke gold yet again. The day before the midnight opening of the third Twilight film, Eclipse last week, she sat down with its three most noticeable stars: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner in LA. Disclaimer: Lady Mel is not a Twilight fan by the way.....

Lady Mel: (cheerfully) Good afternoon folks. How is everyone doing?
Taylor: (Smiles) I am fantastic. We will start filming Breaking Dawn very soon and we can't wait.

Kristen: Yeah, we are doing great actually. So excited to promote this movie. (All three nod in agreement).

Lady Mel: Before we start, you all know that I am a straightforward, canining bitch, right?

Kristen, Taylor, and Robert union “Yes”.

Lady Mel: (In a slight posh accent): That’s very lovely to hear. I see you have all done your homework. (Returns to her accent). My first question goes to you, Taylor. A recent NYMag,com article predicted your profitability and success as a future male action hero. Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years in the entertainment industry?

Taylor: I don’t know. I am just enjoying the Twilight ride right now. I have a couple of other movie projects coming out next year, so lets see what happens.

LadyMel: I honestly hope you have a backup plan, dear. Take some more acting classes and you will do just fine.

Taylor (puzzled look on face):......

Lady Mel: So Kristen, darling. What is with your facial expressions lately? Smile more. Is Robert not giving you any lately?

Robert: (Angrily). Hey miss! That is none of your business! And stop with the pose English accent. Not even close.

Kristen: (In a calm voice): No, Robert. It’s fine. (Looks in LadyMel’s direction) LadyMel, I am a quiet person and on the red carpet, you won’t see a lot of vibrant, jubilant facial expressions from me. If you follow my career, you would have known.

LadyMel: (Smirks) Which comes to my next question. Why should your fans watch Eclipse? I found it lackluster myself. Why does Hollywood hired you three to do these parts when there is no good acting in these movies. I know you guys are getting well-paid and famous off of this franchise, but where is the substance? I know it is not entirely your fault. But overall, my opinion does not count. (Robert smirks). Your screaming teenage, thirty-year-old #TeamEdward, #TeamJacob twi-hard fans are the ones buying up this crap and making you millionaires. (Takes a moment and smokes a cigarette).

Robert: (raises voice slightly) People should watch Eclipse because its an action-pack adventure with drama, cool CGI battles between vampires and wevewolves, and a sentimental, romantic storyline like with Buffy, one of my favorite TV series. Everyone loves a romantic movie.

LadyMel: But not everyone loves predicable, wash-out movies like the Twilight movies. And please don’t compare Buffy the Vampire Slayer to your movies. I can see a similar thread in terms of Buffy’s romantic relationship with Angel and your character’s relationship with Bella, but Buffy can kick your sparkling vampire ass anywhere, anytime. Plus, Buffy had awesome one-liners. Your movies are as dead as your career after Twilight.

Kristen: (Angry) Lady Mel, seriously what is your problem? Your Twilight bashing, your attitude, your criticism is pissing me off. Why are we here?

LadyMel: (Calm) Taylor’s agent was a jackass for asking me to do this gig. Everyone knows about my personality. I guess you haven’t done your homework. If you think that all movie critics are nice, think again. Welcome to Hollywood! (Smokes the cigarette).

Kristen: (Angry) I think I had enough for the day. Fuck you! (Holds middle finger in air and storms out of room, Taylor walks out to comfort her.)

Lady Mel: I hope you get hold of Kristen before Taylor. I don’t want your Team Edward fans all hot and bothered when they hear that Taylor is dating Kristen or should I say (seductively) Bella. Wow, this sounds so like the movie. (Robert runs out of room with his middle finger up as well).

(Takes another puff of her cigarette) I love my job. :)
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